And This One Goes To You, I Mean… Ai
WARNING: Most “emo” post in the history of JuiceLog ahead.
I thought I’m going to need a shot of something e.g. espresso, to finally get this crazy shit out of my system but I guess it would be just a waste of resources because (at last) here it is. I’m warning you, there is going to be a lot of emo-shitness after the jump, so if you’re not emotionally prepared to read this then get out and jolly yourself with whatever you were doing previously. Also, just pretend that you didn’t even manage to read this.
This open letter goes to Ai (okay I almost typed in your surname there, thank goodness I have the ‘backspace’ button handy), I just want you to know that you were the one who inspired me all these time-since June 19, 2008, to be exact. I could still remember the day you asked for chocolate rice porridge and challenged my counting skills big time as well. I’ve counted far more complicated equations properly but I realized that it was just you who got through me. Now, I know by heart and it is already scarred on my mind that 100 less than 15 is 85.
Time went by and I was still curious of the culprit to why my mind loaded up for 5s just to count an easy math problem. I tried my best to know you better. Tried to contact you, but you don’t seem to care. I even came up with plans to set us up together even for just a while. Well, it worked… for a while. Maybe you noticed, maybe you don’t. But mind you, those ‘little whiles’ were already enough to put a smile on my face that would be best-before-our-next-close-encounter. All these were done guided by just a little hope in my part. If only seeing you everyday is as easy as typing a search of your name at RankNoodle.com, I’m sure I’d do it as soon as I could to check you out whether you’re fine or not.
I was hoping that one day you would realize that I am the man of your dreams pretending as an ordinary person in your life. Sometimes I wish to break the façade but I can’t because you might run away. So I decided that it’s better to exist with the lie than expose my feelings to you spot on.
What was I even thinking? I know for a fact since day one that you’ve already got your boyfriend and that you are crazy in love with him. Why can’t I just carve it down on a piece of wood and nail it through my head to spare myself from all the hopeless romantic misery I am into now. You never know how crazy in love I am with you. Sometimes I find myself doing crazy things that I didn’t think I could do. If only you have the idea, but of course… you don’t.
You chose to be closed about things; you let yourself blind of the other perspective. One of the greatest treasures on the planet has to offer you just got unearthed-not only under your nose-but right in front of you, and still you seemed like you didn’t care. I was there, calling for your attention and waiting; merely treated like a fish that would soon be having a nosedive back to nowhere-o-polis.
Now I wonder what is it in you that got through me and kept me on a strong grip of the single spark of hope with less than a million thorns ready to wound me.
I even attempted to fool myself into thinking that I may not be the one you love today and that I’ll let you go for now, hoping that one day you’ll fly back to me because I think you’re worth the wait. Waiting was supposed to be the sweetest torture, but it turned out to be more of a torture and left none of the sweetness at all. That’s when I also learned to back out of an investment that would not pay back. I deserve someone better… a lot better, and someone out there broad-minded enough deserves me as well.
I’m sorry if I disturbed you and caused some tiny ripples in your life, it’s none compared to how you splashed mine, wave after wave. All because I let myself get affected by everything about you. You don’t need to say anything; it’s my fault for letting you in to my life, and now I’m facing the consequence.
Maybe my efforts towards you didn’t really get wasted. After all, it was through you that I got deeper into my spirituality. Who’d have thought someone like me who doesn’t visit the church frequently would voluntarily come to Quiapo church for my first visit at the site ever. And if you have already guessed by now, yes-I prayed for you, in fact you are on top of my prayer list even before I get there. It was indeed a warm soul-searching experience. I’ve never felt so alive in my entire life.
My heart feels lighter now, I couldn’t believe I made it this far. At least I could say I have moved on and I am over you Ai… somehow.
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7 Responses to “And This One Goes To You, I Mean… Ai”
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I know you can get over this Darwin, you’re a strong guy and well it’s hard to say for now…but someday…somehow…we just have to hope for a good outcome, okay?! Smile!
how lucky she is..its just so sad that she’s not seeing what a great guy you are..and that she wasted that rare chance to be with someone so special and so sweet as you…
Dude, everyone has the right to be emotional. But not too often.
I’ve read the entire post and I have to say, I hate those highlighted lines. HAHAHA! Mushy much.
The world’s too big to somewhat lock yourself with someone. Goodluck. ;d
good luck! hope you find the right girl for you!
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Darwin. Naiiyak ako na kinikilig.
buttttttttttt
Ouch, i’m affected too. we somehow share similar sentiments… oh well. good luck with your love life… coincidence, ako rin… biglang nagsimba na rin sa malate church naman because of a similar problem. oh well.
Saaad. But as what you’ve typed, you deserve someone better.
Lahat naman ng effort, di nasayang. At least you’ve learned something.